black sheep mom rules

First, coffee.

Lots of coffee.

If not coffee, tea.

If not tea, whatever your cozy, sit & read a book beverage of choice is…

Then, you must not follow these rules that I outline here. You must not do anything I tell you to do because that would make you a regular old white sheep. Perhaps you can read these and smile and nod because you know, deep down, that following these “rules” are in your best interest. Or, you can just read and enjoy, take what you want and toss away the rest. So, that leads me to rule 1a.

1a.) Don’t take what anyone says as gospel. Think for yourself. Do not be dogmatic.

1b.) Next rule, you are not allowed to care about what other people think. Easier said than done, we are human beings with human being egos, but fake it until you make it my newly minted black sheep.

2.) Do things that are considered weird or out of the mainstream. I don’t know what that looks like for you…maybe knitting cat sweaters is your thing. Maybe your kids invented diapers for Minecraft characters. Whatever it is, do it and be proud and wave your freak flag high. That is what a black sheep would do. Worry not, you are unique.

3.) Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to “fit in” or “be cool” or buy all the things that make you look like a white sheep. Blue hair is only cool when you are the only one wearing it…everyone has blue hair right now, so…not very black sheep of you. Wear those trendy thumbhole shirts if you like them, but if you hate them, get rid of them. Let your neighbor where her awesome thumbholes while you opt for real sleeves. (On a side note, I like thumbholes — don’t judge — and to be clear, I liked thumbholes before they were popular, yes I did indeed.)

4.) Stay home if you don’t feel like going. You know what I’m talking about. Social functions. Birthday parties, holiday parties, neighbor parties. Go if you want to go, but don’t go if you don’t. Simple. And don’t feel bad about it either. They will still have fun without you, I promise.

5.) If you have kids: don’t force them to do activities and don’t create their lives for them. Let them mess up sometimes. Let them find their own way. If your kid doesn’t like hockey or soccer or horseback riding or math club or how to be a natural born leader, why force it? If she doesn’t want to do it, why are you doing it? For “her own good”? Or for you? She will grow up fine whether she plays soccer every weekend of her life or not. Don’t force crafts on a non-crafty kid — total disaster and guaranteed meltdown. Glitter is the devil, by the way.

6.) Be willing to break your own rules. Break down your own constricting belief systems and be open to new things (even if you think you are 100% sure about life, your life purpose, values…you pompous asshole, you). It will make you more awesome in the end to be open and fluid. People will like you more too, which doesn’t matter much to a Black Sheep, but it’s a nice side effect. Very ironic, yes? I love a good paradox.

7.) Don’t take anything at face value. Delve deeper. Don’t watch or listen to mainstream news and think you are getting the whole story. You are not. (You knew that though, right?) Open your eyes and ears and don’t be a white sheep. Flaunt your blackness as much as possible. Oh, and don’t eat the soy and corn. Bad idea. Very bad idea.

8.) Draw attention to yourself when you have something to say, and mean it. People are so asleep in our society that sometimes it takes a metaphorical shoulder shake to get them to listen to something new. If you have something to offer the world, offer it up on a gorgeous white plate with garnish. The world needs you. Don’t feel bad about speaking up. Political correctness is killing our society. This isn’t a ticket to be mean, though — use some tact, black sheep.

9.) Let your freak flag fly. Whatever it is that moves you, makes you awesome, makes you you, do that. And don’t feel bad about it. Don’t feel guilty being different than the other 99.9% of the population. Stir up some shit. Personally, I like cleaning toilets — yes, I said it — I get off on making that ugly ring disappear. So what. That is part of my inner freak. Embrace yours now.

10.) Cuss if you have to. Really, no one will get hurt. Sometimes those words get the point across better than any other. You might not like it here if cussing bothers you.

11.) Don’t end a rule list on #10. Too generic.

Ok. Now you have some general Black Sheep rules. To be a Black Sheep Family, all rules apply for all members of your family, and you embrace that shit. If your kid insists on wearing marker make-up to the grocery store, who are you to say no to that awesomeness?